A letter from a Mom is need of a lil Magic
OH Brandy,
Your Blog makes me want to try and move again. When I do take a walk or try and do yoga in my living room………all I see is my large mass of tummy flubber! I have had 3 C-sections in 4 years and they had to cut vertically through all of my tummy muscles. Needless to say I have alot of flubber since I was plus size to begin with. Previous to getting pregnant with the first baby I was a comfortable size 14 or 16. I looked good at that size. NOW……..OMG………I must be a size 26 now.
Have you ever taken a walk when you are so large? People point and make fun of you. I hate my children being exposed to that. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world and expecially from the mirror.
I want to be healthy for my children. I want to be alive for them. But I am so depressed right now when it comes to my life in general.
I know……take small steps, do little things…….but I just want to be to a normal size again. Its so far away. Plus everything else in my life sucks the big one…LOL! Food has become my companion, my drug of choice.
Combined with the health issues is a husband that has been out of work since Novemeber. Since we lost our son 4 years ago my husband has been layed off more than he has been working. All of our savings, stocks, and IRA’s have been completely depleted. I went from having exceptional credit to horrible in the span of 4 years. My husband works as a computer programmer and when he gets work its for a short term contract and then he is out of work again. Before we got married and lost our son, he had been working for a company for well over 10 years. Its been so horrible. I wanted to be a stay at home mother because I felt it important to do that. Anyway, everything I thought our marriage was about is not even in exisitance anymore. My youngest is 18 months………we have had sex once since her being born! When we met it was so different. Normal for us used to be at least 3 times a week.
I am falling apart. I want to go to the eye doc and obgyn and we dont have insurance anymore. Thank goodness the girls have medicaid.
Sorry to go on and on….I just needed to pour my heart out to someone. You don’t have to respond. I am just trying to get stuff out. I feel like such a farce as a healer right now!
Name withheld to public
This is a letter from an amazing mom I know, when I opened the email from her and read the words that revel so much pain, my heart broke for her.
Here is an incredible woman who had been through the worst thing a mom can go though…the loss of a child, yet she still manges to smile, to open herself up and care for others, utilizing her compassionate heart to educate parents on the benefits of natural. educated childbirth and conscious parenting.
Yet it seem the seem as if the Universe, God, Goddess, Papa Smurf , whoever the ONE is has abandoned her. (havent we all felt that at some time?)
There is a place we go retreat into when we are hurt and angry and while we may be able to pull of a lil deception spell on those around us…inside it is a dark dungeon of guilt, fear,anger and helplessness that chains us down with immobility.
A place where we become frozen.
Where our minds spit in 2.
One part says “Life sucks, I’m no good, Nothing ever goes right for me,I’m stupid, Life is to hard. I can’t, I have no choice, I’m to tired, I hurt to much“….(we all have a negative mantra somewhere…..whats yours?)
The other part says ” I can be better, I have a choice, DO SOMETHING NOW, Get moving,Let go, Wow,I’m blessed, I want to. I can”…..
So how do we break free of the dungeon and start moving?
I know my last post was about the magic of movement in regards to health and fitness . Physical movement is an indicator of life energy and its movement in our mind, body and soul.
So many things contribute to a reduction of life energy.
- Food
- Health
- Marriage
- Environmental toxins
- The government ( shhh..don’t tell anyone but our government needs a Mean Momma(not talking Hillery here) to bring some common sense to the system, sorry for the tangent, my honey is watching the news and it is pitiful! )
So how is a momma to reclaim her life energy, to discover her inner magical mama with an awsome goddess groove going on?
I wish there was magic spell that is a one size fits all spell however each of us is unique and the answer to tranforming is as unique as we are.
One thing that we all have in common is the ability to discover the solution within us by paying attention to our body and the messages it gives..to notice the thoughts we have, to accept out reactions to words and situation. Only by opening and attending our inner world do we become aware of what is holding us back, with awareness we have the knowlage to transform, to move forward, to grow.
Awareness is the simplest form of magic
Through the years I have tried many things to uncover who I am..the good, the bad, the ugly and each modality has brought a more expanded awareness and points me in the direction of my path.
The things I have found the most helpful are…
- walking alone in silence
- journaling
- dream interptation (and not from a book that says this is what such and such means, more on that in a later post)
- massage,
- reading and paying attention to my thoughts to the words and concepts of the book
- working with a hypnotherapist when I pinpoint thoughts, habit and behaviors that no longer serve me.
Perhaps your response is I don’t have the time or the $$ to do all those things and all I have to say is bullshit.
Perhaps you feel that it would be selfish to take so much time to care for yourself when your children and partner need you and my view on that is your selfish for not caring for yourself.
When you neglect your own care you are robbing your children and partner from knowing you…whole and complete.
By putting yourself last you are unable to be fully present and enjoy the time with your family.
When you refuse to care for yourself you decrease your vital life energy so you can consciously and loveingly care for your family.
Making the commitment to yourself is the first step to creating a ’spell’ to manifest the life you deserve and crave ,the rest will follow.
It is not an easy task and a great part of the time you will want to say forget and go back to the failure, low grade discomfort of living a life that does not fit you.
All I can say is that the rewards of stretching outside your comfort zone and exploring new ways of being will make all the discomfort and growing pains worth it.
I encourage you to come on over to the Magical Momma’s egroup and share your story, your stuggles with other woman who are making the transformation and receive the love and support we all need on our journey
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/magicalmommas/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/magicalmommas/
Banish the Bad Mood Momma audio program will soon be re-released with guided meditations to assist you on transforming the thoughts, habits and behaviors that have been holding you back, holding you down.
Until then stop by and get my free 10 minute guild relaxation created just for moms and give yourself the gift of relaxation..you will feel calmer, more centered and more aware of the lil blessing surrounding your in everyday life.
Brandy,
I agree whole-heartedly! We do rob our children and partner when we don’t care for us. I have been where this woman is and “climbed” my way out of the deep dark hole. My mother passed away when I was 18 and the depression that set in was horrible. I wondered at times “Who doomed me to this?”….I was seriously shocked to find out that it was Me! I took baby steps along my path and gradually came out of it (with the help and love of my family & God). It was a struggle, but oh so worth it! My thoughts and prayers will remain with this woman. I would like to say to her, “You are a wonderful person and so worth the effort!” I always ask myself, “Is this good enough for my daughter?”…if the answer is No, then it’s not good enough for me, either.
Sorry this is so long, this subject is near and dear to my heart, alot of women suffer from this type of depression. I just wish I could wave a magic wand, too.
Stephanie
April 29, 2008
For some of us, reprogramming the “put your self last and everyone else first” syndrome is more than changing internal thought. Culture, geography, social economic status, and family values can all play a role in that belief system. Having watch generations of women I admire and respect, serve and care for everyone before themselves implanted a strong message, idea, or standard, if you will, to live up to. Changing that ideology will for some women be much more complicated then switching the internal mantra. It will involve developing a new belief system and standards for themselves. Not that it can’t or shouldn’t be done – it can and should.
Blossoming
May 1, 2008
Hi Brandy -
This line of yours says it all to me :
“Perhaps your response is I don’t have the time or the $$ to do all those things and all I have to say is bullshit.”
And don’t we all need a kick in the behind once in awhile — I know I do!
Appreciate you!
Andrea
PS. Look in your CM inbox for a special offer for this gal. I think I have something that can help support getting moving in the wellness direction too
Andrea Goodsaid
May 2, 2008